Years ago, it was a tradition among many of our friends and family to throw a "surprise" birthday party to ease the pain of passing into the 4th decade of life. These events were great fun for the celebrants -- at the expense of the subject of the celebration. Those who were wily could successfully evade the public humiliation, but most fell into the trap. Knowing this, my plan was to put barriers between me and any potential birthday nonsense. The day before my 40th birthday, I was on call and had a full schedule. We were traveling to Hawaii the next day — leaving no time for birthday shenanigans. That evening, Mary Kay called me while I was admitting a patient to the hospital. This was before we had cell phones. I still remember the nurse telling me that my wife was on the phone with an urgent matter, while I was doing a prostate examination on a prominent Idaho Falls dermatologist who was trying to pass a kidney stone. My patient was more amused than I was. I removed my glove and was washing my hands when the forwarded call rang at the patient's bedside. It was Mary Kay, talking excitedly in a panic about our daughter, Lindsey, getting her hand stuck in the vacuum cleaner at the office. That sounded fishy, but I excused myself and left the dermatologist to hurry down slippery January streets to my office, intent on rescuing my daughter. The lights were out in the dark hallway where Mary Kay met me and led me to where Lindsey was supposed to be trapped by the vacuum cleaner. The lights were also out in the waiting room until I went through the door and was greeted with, “SURPRISE!” A few of my friends sat me down in a wheelchair and rolled me to the crowded conference room for two hours of irreverent birthday roasting. Everyone should be roasted by their own father and be given a male urinal with a cactus inside with a birthday card explaining this is how my patients feel about me.
Ten months later, Mary Kay turned 40 on October 10th. She was totally prepared for some surprise payback. Oh, did I mention that she was the sparkplug on several other 40th birthday parties? All the players were lining up. Her brother was coming up from Salt Lake and as far as she knew, everyone was going to be in town. Instead of a rowdy roast, we went to Jakers with a few family members for a quiet Saturday evening dinner. She opened some tasteful presents and clever cards. Afterward, we invited everyone to our home, but they politely declined due to Sunday commitments and her brother told her that he was returning to Salt Lake the next day. Suspicious, Mary Kay was still fully expecting to be jumped and surprised that evening. Things were quiet at our home and she became somewhat befuddled when our kids quietly had evening prayers and went to bed. She got into bed still suspecting something, but eventually settled down and drifted off, finally convinced that her fears had been unfounded. After all, the next morning was Sunday, a day of peace and rest. The next morning as Mary Kay slept, Larry Carlson couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw 40 people in their pajamas standing around in our driveway at 7:30 a.m. He pulled his pickup into the driveway to see if this was where his wife, Jennifer, had gone in her pajamas. He found her and said that he was sorry he couldn’t stay for the party, but he had to get out to his farm. I noticed that he was wearing work clothes and muddy rubber boots. I said, “Larry, you should go slip into bed with Mary Kay, wearing your rubber boots to get the party started!” His eyes widened and he immediately put the pickup into reverse. I told him I would pay him $10. As he backed down the driveway, I said, “Larry, $20!” He nervously shook his head and started driving down the road as I called out again, “$100, Larry, $100.” I know he heard me, his window was down, but he sped up and drove away anyway. Somehow we managed to get all 40 people into the bedroom without waking Mary Kay. She was sleepy, stretching and waking up when I said, “Oh, Mary Kay. Mary Kay. Its time to wake up and start celebrating the occasion of your 40th birthday with 40 of your closest friends and some other people you don’t even know. ” I brought her some clothes and a baseball hat to put on under the sheets and we sang the Happy Birthday song, then moved into the family room for treats and a birthday breakfast-roast. Mary Kay was amused, but not as much as our children and Larry who still gets nervous whenever this story is repeated.
Those wanting to leave a message, text, or email for Mary Kay on the occasion of her birthday this year, it’s October 10th.
Ever vigilant,
Roger Tall, M.D.
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